After what happened to my 401k, my new retirement plan is the Rapture."
- Scott Dunn

"You know the economy is bad when they start laying off planets."
- Bob Kevoian on a possible reason why Pluto was downgraded from it's status as a planet

"'Don't Stop till they say no twice' isn't a sales technique, it's a fraternity slogan."
- Patti Vasquez on pushy sales people

"When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell."
- Emo Philips on Evolution vs. Intelligent Design

"Diarrhea doesn't work on a nudie beach."
- Tom Griswold

"You're going to hell on a scholarship."
- Spanky Brown to Tom Griswold

"A little girl getting bit by a pony is like being raped by Santa."
- Louis C.K. on crushing your dreams

"O.J. didn't kill my family, so I was excited to meet him."
- Steve Wilson, lifelong Buffalo Bills fan

"Moles are hideous looking creatures. They look like inside out vaginas."
- Chick McGee on pests

"I don't want to hear any more about anything."
- Tom Griswold on the election

"If you can figure out how to kill a guy with a cassette, he probably deserves to die."
- Tom Griswold on weapons in prison.

"The desert doesn't make me horny."
- Kristi Lee

"When girls go wild they flash their boobs. When women go wild, they kill men."
- Louis C.K. on loving older women.

"I voted once in 2004 and all I got out of it was George Bush and Jury Duty... so I'm done.
- John Caparulo

"Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series."
- Tom Griswold

"There are gangs of transvestites? I always thought that was more of a loner thing."
- Tom Griswold

"It's also known as the Northwest Baby Cave."
- Bob Kevoian with another name for mommy parts

"Between me, Oprah and her period, you don't have a chance."
- Geoff Brown as the Devil calling about your girlfriend

"I'm new to the 'front-ass' concept."
- Tom Griswold

"Chick, your sexuality has always been up for grabs."
- Tom Griswold

"There was a time when Kristi's genitalia was in the witness protection program."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's past

"Winning 'Best Supporting Actor in a Music Video' is like one step above eating the most mashed potatoes."
- Rodney Carrington on his CMT Award

"My dog reminds me of my ex-husband. He's not pulling his weight financially and he's afraid of the vacuum."
- Karen Rontowski

"Jesus saves... and then he passes those savings on to me."
- Ryan Stout on looking for the good deals in life.

"I've never noticed Kristi to have any excessive flatulence."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's diet.

"Sloppy Joes are just burgers that got their asses kicked."
- Donnie Baker on beating your food like Tom beats his cereal

"You don't want to be in the back row of a nude yoga class."
-Kristi Lee

Find BOB&TOM on TV
To find out how and where you can see the BOB&TOM TV show when it premieres this week, click here and type in your zip code. After that, just type in WGN to find out what channel to tune in to to check out the debut. The BOB&TOM Show will air at Midnight ET on WGN America, it's TV you can't ignore.

The Way She Is
New York City based singer/songwriter Ingrid Michaelson career has been on the rise after her hit song The Way I Am was featured on the hit TV series Grey’s Anatomy and in a series of Old Navy commercials. Not only did she made appearances onLate Night with Conan O’Brien, The Tonight Show, Live with Regis and Kelly and Good Morning America but she was also asked to join the world-famous Dave Matthews Band on tour this past summer. And while he album Girls and Boys turned into a huge hit, Ingrid is now hoping her new CD, Be OK, will do the same. Also, when you have a chance, check out an organization Ingrid is involved with, Standuptocancer.com

Peace Queer
Fans of the BOB&TOM Show have known about Todd Snider for years now with his songs like Beer Run, The Statistician’s Blues, Seattle Grunge Rock Blues and Iron Mike, but it’s good to see that the rest of the country has begun to take notice. After the success of his previous album The Devil You Know, Todd Snider’s newest project, Peace Queer is following suit having already topped the Americana charts for three weeks.  An outspoken and slyly fun album, the CD features eight tracks including a Civil War sea shanty, cover of Fortunate Son and a Fred Sanford-ish funeral dirge.

Once a Marine, Always a Marine
After spending four years in the Marines, most of which he can't remember, Mark Sweeney had a hard time figuring out what to do next. During that time he worked as a bus boy, construction worker, real estate agent, bartender and copier repairman. Then, after one fateful performance on stage during an open mic night, Sweeney found his calling to become a stand-up comedian. Along with countless comedy clubs, "Sweenz" has also made appearances on TV shows like Boston Public, Third Rock From the Sun, and Days of Our Lives.

Pursuing Happiness
The old adage in comedy has always been ‘write what you know.’  For comedian Michael Palascak, early in his career those topics include living at home, dorm life, donuts and intramural flag football.  Fortunately for audiences everywhere, he’s matured (a little) and has since broadened his experiences to include a lot of the little things that we can all laugh at.  Michael has won a number of comedy competitions including the HBO Lucky 21 Festival, the Comedy Central Open Mic Fight and the 2007 Sierra Mist Zanies Taste of Chicago Comedy Search. 

Smashing Pumpkins
Tired of using those pumpkins for just cooking and carving?  So is the Science Channel. That’s why they’re honoring those imaginative backyard engineers who have perfected the art of catapulting pumpkins.  In the new special Punkin Chunkin, comedian Brad Sherwood hosts the 22nd annual squash squashing competition.  Along with smashing pumpkins, Sherwood is also a master of improv and was frequently featured on Whose Line is It Anyway.  He’s also appeared on the Drew Carey Show, I Love the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.  Punkin Chunkin airs Thursday, November 27th at 9pm on The Science Channel.

Behind the Scenes of Frank TV
If you think the stuff they show you on TBS is funny, just wait till you see what happens when the camera's stop rolling on the set of Frank Caliendo's sketch comedy show, Frank TV. Find more clips like the one above at frankcaliendo.com

Roy Wood Jr.'s Two Pennies
Recently featured as one of Entertainment Weekly's 12 comedian's to watch in 2009, we've known about comedian Roy Wood, Jr. for some time now. He was featured on the first ever BOB&TOM Comedy Central special, is a regular on our Comedy All-Stars tour, and is a frequent guest in the studio. Known for his love of chicken nuggets and knack for prank phone calls, Wood is a regular contributor for a number of radio stations, was a semi-finalist on Star Search, has been featured on The Late Show with David Letterman and HBO.

• ROY ON YOUTUBE

Beef Stew For the Brain
For over two decades, comedian James Gregory has been doing what he likes to call “Front Porch Humor,” by telling the types of stories that people from any walk of life can relate to. And though he comes from a poor family in a small town, people all across the country have turned him into “the most successful comedian America has never heard of.” By making it a point to ignore political correctness while on stage, Gregory doesn’t pull punches on anyone or anything. Many of his best rants and well-crafted stories can be found on his new DVD, Beef Stew For the Brain.

Go For the Juggler
Not many people have the balls (no pun intended) to drop out of college after your junior year to pursue a life of juggling, but Chris Bliss did just that. Soon he was opening shows for the likes of Willie Nelson, Eric Clapton and Michael Jackson with an impressive act of aerial choreography in which he juggled to music and lights. Though he was known as one of the world's most popular jugglers decided he wanted to expand his act to include stand-up comedy. The move paid off as Bliss is now a Tonight Show regular, has his own one man show, and is considered to be the perfect intellectual comedian for the information age.
EXTRA - Watch Chris Bliss' amazing juggling finale

The Best of BOB&TOM - Thanksgiving Edition
Over the years, BOB&TOM have created a number of holiday classics that are frequently played on the air during the show. On the flip side of that, there are a handful of pieces that are wonderfully funny, but are considered to be a little to strange or obscure for heavy rotation. Also, many of these pieces are only good once a year, which is why with this week's best of, we're serving up a heaping helping of favorite forgotten Thanksgiving treats.

Truck Stop Thanksgiving - Floyd Tucker
Thanksgiving Dinner Tips - Donnie Baker
Thanksgiving Roast - Scott Dunn
Mr. Obvious - The Turkey
I'm a Turkey - Duke Tumatoe
Thanksgiving Day - TIm Cavanagh

Feel Up, America!
With the economy down, the election wearing us out, and the war continuing, there are a lot of things to feel down about, which is why the BOB&TOM Show is actively trying to cheer up the country with their all new endeavor, Feel Up, America! All week long, the boys have been playing your requests in an effort to lift your spirits, and help you feel up. It was such a great idea, we in the web department that we'd join in the Feel Up fun by offering up our most requested audio gems.

Toast - Heywood Banks
It's a Great Day... - Paul Thorn
I Could Be Wrong - Tim Wilson
Cleveland Steamer - The Mad Armenians
The A.D.D. Song - Sean Morey

America, Lend Us Your Grandmother!
It's almost time for the start of the NFL regular season, and we're starting our annual quest to find formidable opponents for Chick's Shoe-In of the week. If you're Grandmother has an interest in the NFL, or even if she doesn't, send us your contact information and we'll arrange to have her join us on the air to challenge Chick's NFL picks. Click here to "send us your Granny! Click on the graphic above to peruse Chick's picks!