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After what happened to my 401k, my new retirement plan is the Rapture."
- Scott Dunn

"You know the economy is bad when they start laying off planets."
- Bob Kevoian on a possible reason why Pluto was downgraded from it's status as a planet

"'Don't Stop till they say no twice' isn't a sales technique, it's a fraternity slogan."
- Patti Vasquez on pushy sales people

"When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell."
- Emo Philips on Evolution vs. Intelligent Design

"Diarrhea doesn't work on a nudie beach."
- Tom Griswold

"You're going to hell on a scholarship."
- Spanky Brown to Tom Griswold

"A little girl getting bit by a pony is like being raped by Santa."
- Louis C.K. on crushing your dreams

"O.J. didn't kill my family, so I was excited to meet him."
- Steve Wilson, lifelong Buffalo Bills fan

"Moles are hideous looking creatures. They look like inside out vaginas."
- Chick McGee on pests

"I don't want to hear any more about anything."
- Tom Griswold on the election

"If you can figure out how to kill a guy with a cassette, he probably deserves to die."
- Tom Griswold on weapons in prison.

"The desert doesn't make me horny."
- Kristi Lee

"When girls go wild they flash their boobs. When women go wild, they kill men."
- Louis C.K. on loving older women.

"I voted once in 2004 and all I got out of it was George Bush and Jury Duty... so I'm done.
- John Caparulo

"Godfather III is the Curly Joe of that film series."
- Tom Griswold

"There are gangs of transvestites? I always thought that was more of a loner thing."
- Tom Griswold

"It's also known as the Northwest Baby Cave."
- Bob Kevoian with another name for mommy parts

"Between me, Oprah and her period, you don't have a chance."
- Geoff Brown as the Devil calling about your girlfriend

"I'm new to the 'front-ass' concept."
- Tom Griswold

"Chick, your sexuality has always been up for grabs."
- Tom Griswold

"There was a time when Kristi's genitalia was in the witness protection program."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's past

"Winning 'Best Supporting Actor in a Music Video' is like one step above eating the most mashed potatoes."
- Rodney Carrington on his CMT Award

"My dog reminds me of my ex-husband. He's not pulling his weight financially and he's afraid of the vacuum."
- Karen Rontowski

"Jesus saves... and then he passes those savings on to me."
- Ryan Stout on looking for the good deals in life.

"I've never noticed Kristi to have any excessive flatulence."
- Tom Griswold on Kristi's diet.

"Sloppy Joes are just burgers that got their asses kicked."
- Donnie Baker on beating your food like Tom beats his cereal

"You don't want to be in the back row of a nude yoga class."
-Kristi Lee

b o b a n d t o m . c o m

To ring in the New Year, Chick McGee burns his Christmas tree in his backyard. Thank god he managed to get at least a 1/4 of it into the fire pit. We're sure those dry leaves surrounding the blaze won't be an issue either.

The Man
Behind the Curtain
A former stand-up comedian, Bill Scheft decided a number of years ago that he preferred writing the jokes to telling them. That's what's made him such a valuable asset to The Late Show w/ David Letterman, where he's one of the head writers for Dave's famous opening monologues. He also contributed to the new book, The Late Show Fun Facts, authored by Letterman and the other Late Show writers. But this isn't Bill's only published work, he's also the author of two novels, The Ringer, and Time Won't Let Me, and used to write a weekly column for Sports Illustrated.

Drake Witham
Drake Witham's comedy career began at an office Christmas party in a room filled with 200 co-workers. He had them all laughing with devastating impressions of his editors and criticisms of his employer, the Dallas Morning News. But not everyone liked the show. One of the editors was reduced to tears. It wasn't a mean-spirited show but Witham decided it was time to leave journalism behind. Within six months he was in Los Angeles, wowing audiences with his deadpan delivery and razor-sharp wit. An award-winning journalist, Witham always enjoyed making co-workers laugh. He once organized pager-races in which two competitors set their rigs to vibrate and dialed furiously, trying to move them to the finish line. A graduate of the University of Washington, Witham has performed on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham and the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. House. He won the Seattle Comedy Competition and has twice spent ten days performing for the troops in Iraq.

The Zany Report,
2009 Edition
If you're wondering why there is a feeling of emptiness deep inside your soul, it's because you've been without The Zany Report since last year (sorry about that, by law we have to do that joke once each January.) The Zany Report, as brought to you each week by Bob Zany, is the only feature we have that comes equipped with its own comedy safety net. So even if the Report falls short of hilarity, "Fix the Joke Baby" will be there to save the day.

JORDAN WARD illustration

Black Belt in Comedy
If you think it takes guts to become a cage fighter, try doing stand-up comedy for a living. Ask Collin Moulton, he’ll tell you, he’s a veteran of both. Holding a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Moulton has no fear when entering the octagon for a mixed-martial arts match. But he’s also just as comfortable doing battle with audiences while on stage in clubs across the country, throwing jokes at them so fast they can't help but submit to laughter.

Let's Go Out to the Movies
Comedian Pat Dixon might be the only movie reviewer who's got it right. While most other so-called "experts" will actually watch the film in question, Pat writes his reviews before he ever sees the movie. This way he can't be swayed by plot, acting, cinematography, or all the other fluff that might influence his opinion. Sure it's tough, but it saves him about $10 a pop. Pat has appeared on Comedy Central's Premium Blend and on CMT as the host of their "Summer Games."

The Doctor Will See You Now
When BOB&TOM need to have their heads shrunk, there is only one man they trust with the job, psychotherapist and long time friend of the show, Dr. Will Miller. Dr Will is an ordained minister, former standup comedian, keynote speaker, teacher and full-time therapist at a major University, yet somehow he still finds time to write books including Why We Watch and Refrigerator Rights (the latter of which has just recently been re-released with an all new chapter and updated research.)

He's History
For many, the beginning of the new year is a chance to look toward the future. Not Scott Dunn, he's steadfastly focused on the past, because that's where all the comedy is. Dunn is a comedian, an author, a father of two, a husband of one, and is famous for his "Roasts" of major historical events. He calls in every Monday to share comical and historical tidbits of knowledge, followed up by a pop quiz. Start cramming now.

The Best of BOB&TOM - Winter Fun
Winter is easily one of our four favorite seasons, which is why with this edition of the Best of the BOB&TOM Show, we're presenting some of the best cold, snow and winter related audio. Get ski vacation and snow blower tips from Mr. Obvious, beat the rules at your holiday party with Donnie Baler, take a trip to Lambeau with Paul Gilmartin, and learn how to drive with a frosty windshield with Heywood Banks. And put a coat on before you catch cold.

Holiday Party Tips - Donnie Baker
Wiper Blades - Heywood Banks
Mr. Obvious - Ski Vacation
Tim, The Diehard Packer Fan - Paul Gilmartin
Mr. Obvious - The Snow Blower

Dear Bob and Tom,
As part of teaching my fifth grade class in Pontiac, Illinois, I take the students to Springfield, our state capital, to see governmental and historic sites. In October of 2007 we were touring the state Capitol and the governor, Blago, stuck his head out and asked if anyone wanted to meet the governor. He took the fifty or so students and the teachers into his office. This is the picture taken of the teachers and the governor. I am the one holding the "job application."
Paul Aplington

Find BOB&TOM on TV
The BOB&TOM TV Show airs each weeknight at Midnight ET on WGN America. To find out where that station falls on your TV dial, click here and type in your zip code. You can also catch a bonus encore episode of the show each Saturday at noon.

Laughter From Home
For the fourth year in a row, The Bob & Tom Show joins forces with the USO to provide deployed service members with much deserved treats this holiday season. Since 2005,The Bob & Tom Show raised over $580,000 and sponsored more than 23,200 care packages! In addition to the care packages, Bob Kevoian and Tom Griswold of The Bob & Tom Show produced a hilarious compilation CD called “Greetings from the USA” to bring laughs and smiles to U.S. armed forces around the world. A total of 20,000 CDs will be shipped to deployed service members, thanks to the underwriting contributions of NAPA Auto Parts, the world’s largest auto parts network. You can participate by donating to assist in the shipping again this year

TICKETS ON SALE NOW!

America, Lend Us Your Grandmother!
It's almost time for the start of the NFL regular season, and we're starting our annual quest to find formidable opponents for Chick's Shoe-In of the week. If you're Grandmother has an interest in the NFL, or even if she doesn't, send us your contact information and we'll arrange to have her join us on the air to challenge Chick's NFL picks. Click here to "send us your Granny! Click on the graphic above to peruse Chick's picks!

CLICK ON THE TITLES TO PREVIEW!

The Best of BOBandTOM.com
Bobandtom.com consists of thousands and thousands of pages of content, which can make locating something your looking for a daunting task. That's why we've put together a hot list of some of the site's most popular, and judging by your e-mails, the most difficult to find features. So if you’re looking for the fried turkey recipe, the Drano baby test, Tom Speak, CD track listings or the photo archives, just to name a few, this is the page for you.